Week 10-THE RESULTS

Well, today was THE day.  The last 70 days all leading up to this morning.  I was nervous, excited, anxious, and happy.  Obviously, I was nervous about my numbers (this is for money, afterall), but I was also so happy that I had actually done it.  I finished the 10 weeks, with great, great results.  I feel better, stronger, and I know I look better.

I lost 2 inches off my waist and 1.75 off my hips.  Those were my biggest numbers.  The total of all my measurements lost was 6.75 inches.  In 10 weeks!  I lost a total of 1.8 pounds, and 4.4% body fat.  I improved my push ups from 5 to 31, and sit ups from 14 to 29.  I gained 5 inches in my flexibility.

I couldn't be prouder of myself, and I find myself a bit emotional about it all.  Not only my results, by my friends' results too.  Looking at all my fellow UBC'ers this morning,  I couldn't believe how great they all look!  Everyone of them has lost inches, noticeably.  We're happy for each other too!  I know I'm so proud to be in this group of people sitting back right now going, "Wow!  I did it!"  I'm sitting here fighting back tears as I write this because there is really no way to express what this means to me, to my friends.  We have all gone on our own journey to lose this weight, but our paths converged 10 weeks ago, and the results are so amazing.  Tonight is the awards dinner, so we'll see who takes the money, but this has become so much more than money.

I know I've said it before, a big thank you to all of my friends, family, and acquaintances that supported me through the 10 weeks.  You have all been such a great support, and it means so much to know I have so many great people cheering me on!  I will post before and after pictures tomorrow, after I get them back from the dinner tonight!

The Journey-my last 6 months in pictures

 I was going to do this post next week, after my body challenge is over, but I just can't stand it any more!  Here is my weight loss journey, in pictures, from June until now:

Here is the first one!  I wore this to a funeral in June.  It took me a long time (and 5 dresses) before I settled on this outfit.  I thought I looked pretty good.

Also from June.  I loved the tank top, and the jeans fit well, where they were too tight before.

Here is the first time I was ever able to get those jeans up and buttoned!  I bought them a size too small by accident about 3 years previously, and I'd never worn them. (Oh yeah, remember that cute little Buddah belly.)

The next three pics are from August.  Here, you start to see the fruits of my labors.

Remember that Buddah belly?  I don't ;)  This is after 3-4 weeks of the Ultimate Body Challenge, so end of October, beginning of November.  My abs have never looked so good!

Girls just wanna have fun!  It was 80s night for UBC in November.  Love my red mini, even if I couldn't exactly button it.















The rest of these are my "braggin'" pictures.  These are all the most current taken within the last 48 hours.

I have a lot to be proud of and a lot to be thankful for.  I honestly only hoped I could look like this again, not really believing I could.  Next week, I will be displaying my before and after pictures from UBC :) 

Nearing the Finish Line-Week 9

I still can't quite believe that ten weeks have almost come and gone that quickly.  It seems like just yesterday that I attended that first orientation meeting, got my measurements, and went home still wondering what I got myself into.  The funny thing is, I'm still so sore from my work outs, almost as much as that first and second week, but I recover much quicker.  I only waddle for a day or two after butt burner rather than four, and can still complete a workout the day after a difficult bands night.

I am proud of myself for being sore, what a strange thing to accomplish.  It means that in 9 weeks, I haven't become complacent in my work outs.  I wanted and want to be better and stronger.  That's been the biggest driving force for me, especially the second half where I didn't have to worry as much about if I was doing things right.  I can focus on hitting harder, hitting faster, and keeping the pace longer.  My goal is to have absolutely nothing left to give at the end of next week.  I am finally realizing that I have only begun to scratch the surface of what I'm capable of.

In a side note, I started collecting pictures for my "progress in pictures", and I had another teary eyed moment.  I have come such a long way, I still can't believe it!  It's truly an amazing transformation, and I can't wait to share it!

Post-Thanksgiving Thoughts

Yes, I realize it's only been 2 days since my last post.  But as I was doing a workout this morning, I got to thinking about where I was a year ago in terms of losing weight.  If I recall correctly, I had just gotten over a couple bouts with sickness, and had lost all motivation because I had been out of exercising for over a week.  It was about then that I gave up on Spark People, and decided that, hey, I wasn't all THAT fat, so it was ok.  Then, I saw this picture from Christmas:

And then I saw this one:

Yeeeaaaah.  Alright, so I know I'm wearing a fleece coat, but quite frankly, the fleece was not THAT cushy (although if it was, I'd never take it off!!).  And it doesn't help that I have a super thin hubby either.  Anyway, I saw the first picture, and thought, "Bad angle, bulky sweatshirt."  Then I saw the second one and thought, "bulky sweatshirt, sitting down."  Then I went through them again, and thought, "I can deny it all I want, but most of that 'bulky sweatshirt' is under the sweatshirt."  The worst part of coming to that realization was realizing that I had already lost some weight in those pictures, and was actually heavier 4 months before.

There are moments in everyone's life where something shatters your status quo.  Although I'd been trying to lose weight already, and there were other factors in gaining the weight (hello stressful job and constant eating out), those pictures were it for me.  I saw those, and that twig inside me snapped, "No more!  I will NOT continue to gain weight, nor will I tell myself it's 'not that much'!"

So far this year, I have done Spark People, an online personal trainer, workout videos, elliptical trainer, and finally, the UBC.  Each one has had an impact in its own right.  Spark People opened my eyes to what I was really eating, portion size, and the amount of calories in food (and no wonder I packed on pounds, with what I was eating regularly!).  The online personal trainer pointed me in a good direction with strength exercises and why they were important.  My workout videos introduced me to kick boxing, which not only provides a great workout, but I absolutely love.  My elliptical provided me with the motivation and accessibility in my own home to work out, without mirrors or other people around, on my own time, so I could keep with it.  Finally, the UBC provided the much needed strength training, but also kept me accountable, provided support from my fellow UBC'ers and coaches, and helped shape my eating habits even more.  The most important lesson here is that everything has it's place and reason.  Each different thing I tried to lose weight guided me to something I can continue and enjoy.  If something wasn't working for me any more, I knew it was time to try something else to keep me interested and motivated.

At this point, I still haven't made the weight goal I originally set out for myself.  I'm not even sure how close I am, because I can't weigh myself right now.  I'm sure I'm still at least 5-7 pounds from my goal of 120.  That's really ok with me, because I'm healthier, feeling better, and looking better than I was a year ago.  I know I mentioned it in my previous post, but I am so excited for the "after" picture in 2 weeks.  To be able to see the progress is so motivating and satisfying.  It's been a hard battle for me to lose this weight, stay motivated, not let setbacks keep me down, and work through body/food issues.  The biggest things that have helped me keep my perspective are:

• the saying my friend Millie gave me, "If hunger is not the problem, food is not the answer."  While I still have the craving to reach for comfort food when I'm upset, this saying alone has made me look at myself and discover other ways to deal with my emotions. 
• you have to do this for you.  There has to be a deep down, deep seated desire to make yourself better, to live longer.  I'm ok that I may not ever get below a size 3 or 4.  I am healthy.  I feel good about me. That's what's really important.  I had to believe that I was worth making the sacrifices in time and effort, which is hard for someone who has had an underlying current of "you're just not good enough."  
• the Japanese proverb "Fall 7 times, stand up 8."  If you know you're going to screw up at times, it's so much easier to accept that fact and move on.  I'm experiencing my success now because I didn't just curl up and say "that's it" when things didn't work for me.  I admit; I had some pretty big failures and losses of faith in the last year, but I kept coming back at it.  
• the surprising thing to keep perspective:  pictures!   Maybe it's because I'm a photographer, but I started taking self pictures in clothes I couldn't fit into before when I started making some solid progress, and I'm so glad I did!  I currently have two sets of "progress" before and after pictures that I'm planning on adding to when I'm done with the UBC.  That absolute visual of seeing the results, which you don't have the privilege of seeing daily, is so reaffirming!  

In about two weeks, I'll post a nice pictoral commentary on my weight loss.  I can't say if it will include bikini pictures just yet, but maybe after I do another UBC, it will!  

What I am Thankful for in week 8

Thanksgiving is tomorrow, and happily I don't have to cook a darn thing (thank you, Auntie Celia, and the rest of the Schumacher clan!!).  Of course, now is the time of year in which people tend to be thankful for what they've been blessed with over the past year, and quite frankly, Thanksgiving is more up my alley that Christmas.  Giving and receiving presents is fun, but Thanksgiving gets people thinking about their family, friends, and all the good things we have in our lives.  And, we get lots of great food!

This year, so many people I know, myself included, had such a rough time, whether financially or otherwise.  I know I have asked myself "are things ever going to look up for me" so many times since January, I've lost count. It makes you very jaded, introducing a "what now?" attitude towards life.  And with each challenge, each setback, each disappointment, it's a little harder to bounce back and move on.  People say that attitude is everything, but it sure is hard to have a positive outlook when the hits just keep coming.

So, what am I thankful for, in a time where it's hard to find anything positive?  Obviously, I'm thankful for my family, my friends, my dog, my home, etc.  I'm thankful for all the extremely hard lessons I learned this year, the ones that broke my heart and left me questioning who I am.  I'm thankful for the new people I've met, the ones who have challenged me to be better than I was.  I'm thankful for the risks I took by stepping outside my comfort zone.  Highly unpleasant, highly nerve-wracking, but so totally worth it.  I'm thankful that I'm still breathing, walking, seeing, smelling, hearing, even in the moments where it feels like that's all I have.  I'm thankful for having the strength to push beyond what I think I can handle, where I think my threshold is, and emerge victorious, with my head held high.  I'm thankful for internal arguments that "what makes you grow" wins over "what's easy".  But most of all,  I'm thankful that each day I open my eyes,  I have another chance to do better, to be better, to live better.

3 Weeks Left!

I finally broke down and bought another pair of jeans.  They were on sale for $8, and having just paid $6.50 for a pair of used jeans at the thrift store, I figured paying $1.50 more for a new pair was justifiable.  They are a departure from my usual style of boot cut jeans.  These new ones are wide-leg, higher cut, yet still below my belly button, and I absolutely love them!  They are so comfy, I'm glad I took a chance and got them.  I did have to hem them a bit, since they were way too long for my short legs, but even that took less than half an hour.  They look great with boots and nice sweater to dress them up, or chunkier shoes and a t-shirt for dressing down.

Why on earth am I telling you about my jeans in this saga of my workout progress?  Two reasons: A) they were a fabulous find and I'm bragging, and B) (the real point of telling you about the jeans) I am feeling pretty darn good about the way I look!  For the last three or four years, getting dressed in the morning was not a pleasant experience, nor was shopping.  Both these things were difficult for me because I didn't know how to dress my body once it was heavier.  I always had my trouble spots (hello lower tummy and hips), but I had learned how to hide them or accentuate what I did like.  When I started putting on weight on some of the parts I could accentuate, I didn't know what to do.  The shirts I used to buy and wear bulged funny, so much of my wardrobe became loose and less tailored.  It's hard to feel good about how you look when you have a hard time finding clothing that is flattering.  I have a challenging body type as it is (wide and short), and the extra weight made it so hard for me to feel comfortable in stylish clothing.

After 7 full weeks, I am feeling good about how I look again.  I have tone and muscle definition in places I didn't even know I had muscle (who knew I had triceps!!!).  I'm slimming down again as well, and clothes that I packed to send to Goodwill, I've pulled out to wear again.  But above and beyond this, I am really getting comfortable in my own skin again.  I've always considered myself pretty self-assured, with the run of the mill insecurities.  Even at my heaviest, I would fret about how I looked, and then promptly forget when I had my daily work to attend to.  I didn't let my insecurity about how I looked get in the way of my life.  I still liked who I was, who I am, I just didn't like the changes I saw in my body.  The best part is that I knew I could change my body.  Maybe I couldn't get it back to what it was when I was 18 (thank you babies!), but I could slim it down to something I was more comfortable with, maybe even proud of.  I'll freely admit that I'm not where I want to be just yet, but I know I've made some great strides in the last 7 weeks.  I have to admit, I'm pretty darn proud of what I've done, and I'm getting really excited to see the "after" pictures in three weeks.

Midweek Muscles-week 7

This morning, I did not want to get out of bed, let alone go to a butt burner workout!  I went out at 8:30, in my bathrobe to start my car, so I could be nice and toasty on the drive.  I then came in the house and began an internal argument about whether or not I was going to go to my workout.  It ended with me telling myself "you already started the car!  Get out there!"  And off I went.

Wednesdays are the hardest days for me because I don't enjoy bust burners.  I hate squats and lunges.  I don't move enough for my liking.  I can't keep my back straight, so my instructor always has to correct me (and after 7 weeks, I've almost got it right!).  I don't feel a sense of accomplishment like I do after other kick boxing classes, although, I did use 25 lb. kettlebells for the first time today.  The extra motivation of "you'll enjoy it once you get there" is not present on Wednesdays.  So why do I convince myself to go?  I figure, it's like eating your vegetables, er, well, the ones you don't like.  They're good for you, they'll benefit you in the long run, your body will thank you.

As I sit here and write, going over the details of today's class in my head, it's funny the things that start jumping out at me.  I did two laps of lunges with 15 lb. kettlebells, and they were fairly easy, so I'll probably bump up to 20 lbs next time.  And I just about made it all the way around in the weird push up/hold yourself up thingy we do, which I've never gotten that far around before.  Perspective.  Just a little change in perspective can spin the whole situation.  I've gone from feeling like I didn't do much today to feeling like I had a really good class.  I don't like the class any more (don't think that's going to change), but it makes it seem more worthwhile to reflect on the changes.

End of week 6-Four weeks left!!

The weeks have been flying by, and I can't quite believe I only have four weeks left of my UBC!  One month left to get myself in shape!  I kicked things up this week, squeezing in an extra workout, and upping all my bands for resistance training.  It feels good to push myself to improve on things.  The highlight of my week was definitely my Friday kickboxing class, where I kicked so hard, I knocked myself off my feet and gave myself a beautiful green, purple, and blue knot on my shin!  Don't worry; my pride was far more hurt than my shin was.  More than that though, I am sore today.  My abs are sore from kicking so hard, as are my legs.  I haven't felt this sore since the first week!  This is my achievement for the week!  I like being sore because it confirms that I am working as hard as I am able, and that I'm changing my body for the better.  Another great moment for this week, I wore shorts to my workout this morning, and noticed for the first time the definition in my legs starting to take shape in my thighs.  There is absolutely nothing more motivating than the visual cues that things are paying off!  Plus, I discovered I had to use the drawstring in my shorts for the very first time since purchasing them.  Another great discovery this week!

All in all, not a very exciting week, but a motivating one.  Seeing and feeling results is such a satisfying event, especially when you decide to step things up and push harder.  At this point in the challenge, that's my main thought, "Am I giving all I can give?"  Keeping that in mind has helped me to push myself to go harder and faster, when I feel like I have no more to give.  And I feel like I'm making progress, whether it's going up in bands or seeing muscle definition in my legs.  It's nice to see and feel that progress too.  All too often with exercise/weight loss, the changes and the progress is so little or so slow in coming, that it's discouraging.  I've been seriously trying to lose weight for over a year now, starting first with sparkpeople.com, going vegetarian, working out on my own.  I've seen results with all of the things I've done, but I quickly lost interest and/or motivation.  But the important thing is that I haven't given up.  Looking at my progress now, I'm really glad I didn't give up!

Mid-Evaluation Results!

And now ladies and gentlemen, the most anticipated announcement since the reunion of New Kids on the Block!  That's right it's time for......

KARA'S MID-EVALUATION RESULTS! (cheers, applause, general adoration)

Overall, I am pleased.  It's hard not to be pleased with a decrease in all numbers!  I didn't quite make the goal I had in mind, but that's really ok.  These numbers give me a better idea of what's a reasonable goal for next time. So without further ado the number shake down is thus:

Bust: -1/4 inch (Thank God!  No need to shrink there!)
Waist: -3/4 inch
Hips (most inches lost):  -1 1/4 inches
Thigh: -1/2 inch
Arm: -1/2 inch
Weight: -.2 pounds
Body Fat %: -3.4%

Like I said, I can't complain!  Now the numbers that went up, meaning I did that many more of them this time:
Push ups (on my toes, thank you!): +14
Sit ups:  +9
Flexibility: +3 inches

I am a happy girl this morning!  The numbers are great, but the visuals are even better; how my clothes fit, what I can't wear any more because it's too big, etc.  And, I feel great too.  So many good things in a five week time span!  I'm really looking forward to the next five weeks, now that I'm in the groove with everything.  I'm ready to step up my game and see some fabulous results!

Working Through Week 4

I'm a little late on my midweek blog, but not for lack of trying.  See, I sat with the blog window open for about 45 minutes last night, and just couldn't decide what to write about.  This has definitely been a better week for me.  I've been challenging myself more, feeling sore again, and feeling some great success.  I've come to regard soreness as a badge of honor, my little pat on the back saying "yep! You worked hard on that one."  Things like having jello legs and feeling a bit shaky with exhaustion are strangely satisfying.  I am working hard, and it's starting to show.

This week, I've focused on pushing my limits.  Last week wasn't as intense as I could have made it, and I needed to step up my game this week.  Results change when you start internal arguments between the "oh, I can't do that" and the "oh, you're going to do that, and you're going to do it hard" parts of your brain.  I struggle greatly with the "I can't do that" part of my brain when it comes to things outside my comfort zone.  I realized in my leg workout on Tuesday that even the body doesn't like to be moved outside it's comfort zone.  Like I said, I've been pushing myself this week, and my body isn't used to not getting it's way.  It's been spoiled for far too long by sitting, laziness and not-so-great food choices.  Just like a bratty child, it's taken a lot of retraining to overcome some of the perceived obstacles-soreness, for example.  Weakness for another.  In pushing myself, that includes pushing my thinking into a different pattern as well, and finding what works to silence the "I can't" of the moment.  Some times, it's focusing on a spot on the floor and half-listening to the count.  Some times it's finding a rhythm and sticking with it for the duration of what we're doing.  Some times, it's gritting my teeth and telling myself "NO!  I am going to finish this!"

After my workout tonight, where I very proudly used harder resistance bands for a good portion of my exercises, I was reflecting on this week, when the song "You are Loved" by Josh Groban came on the radio.  As I listened, the line "Don't give up. It's just the weight of the world," played for the second time, and it really hit me what I have done for myself.  How many times have I stood up under the weight of the world, pushed beyond what I thought for sure was the worst of the worst, and realized, this isn't so bad?  How many times have I done what was hard, what was right, what was necessary?  How many of those times were so much worse than jumping up a color band or punching the bag as hard as I possibly could?  So many times I've been down, broken, exhausted, didn't know how I was going to pull myself through another day of hell.  But I did it.

I had a discussion with a good friend about times that make you want to live rather than just exist.  Something awakens the passion within you that for whatever reason has dwindled.  Thinking about these moments, they are always painful, facing unhappiness, reevaluating your circumstances, contemplating how you've defined yourself, wondering if you're ever going to be happy again.  Even in the uncertainty and the pain, there's a glimmer of that passion rekindling itself.  It's these moments that define who you are, define what kind of life you're going to lead.  It's the moments that you think you can't possibly take one more step, and yet your feet take 3 more.  You think you can't take one more bout of bad news, get that phone call, and collapse in laughter because what else can you do?  As my bands coach says, "it's the reps that hurt that matter most.  Pushing through the pain is how you get strong."

Starting Week 4 Already

I can hardly believe I'm on week 4 of my UBC already!  Next week is mid-evals.  I'm excited to see how my numbers have changed.  I'm starting to notice changes in my body and how my clothes are looking.  That's such a great motivator!

Week 3 was not a great week for me.  Dinner out with the girls, my brother's birthday, my aunt's birthday.  So much good food!  Then, my kids were both sick, which did a number on my workout plan.  It was kind of a wash week for me.  It was a bit disheartening, because I felt like I was doing so well and lost some momentum.  I certainly haven't lost motivation, which is great!  I just feel like I took a step back this week.

I've also felt like I've been falling behind in a lot of what I'm doing, like homework and keeping up with my kids' stuff for school.  I'm busier than I'm used to, and I think that is part of the problem.  My focus this week is getting myself organized again and get into a better groove with everything I have to do.  That's an interesting goal, considering I'm thinking of adding another workout to my schedule, at least for this week!

Of course, no blog would be complete this week without mentioning the blessed birth of my nephew Jasper.  He is so adorable!  One more blessing to count, and another slice of joy in my life!  

Tuesday of Week 3

Halfway through week 3 already!  Where does the time go?  This is clipping by way too quickly for me.  I feel like I just started, and I'm almost halfway through already.  I'm still working hard, and starting to see some fruits of my labor.  For instance, who knew I had biceps!  That's really fabulous when I'm reaching for something and see a nice lump in my arm!  And, "girl push ups" are getting easier!  I wouldn't say I'm quite ready for "real" ones just yet, but I will be soon!  I'm starting to enjoy being sore too; not the can't move sore, but the "I've worked really hard" sore.  I can feel my body making changes too, like not being tired if I haven't moved enough during the day.  Today is not one of those days! I pushed hard at yesterday's kickboxing, definitely the hardest I've gone in a class to date (I've got the wound to prove it!), and then got up at 5:30 am to get my resistance band workout in!  WHEW!

I am a bit more reflective today than normal.  My nephew has started making his way into the world (translation, his mommy's in labor).  For me, this has been an upheaval year; one of those years that the ground I was standing on broke apart, and I have to refind my footing.  I don't think there's a part of my life that hasn't been thoroughly shaken to the core.  More than once, I felt like my world was completely breaking apart.  I've questioned everything I've ever known, everything I've ever believed in, everything I always trusted to be a part of me.  I've had to come to terms with the fact that I can't plan everything, nor can I have a plan for every possible situation.  But I don't have to have an immediate solution for every single situation or problem in my life.  Some times, it's just ok to breathe and let it be with the faith that the answers will come in time.  Lately, my mantra has become "I don't have to know right now."  There's a lot of freedom and peace in that.  It calms sleepless nights and wild thoughts.

So, as I'm waiting for that wonderful call to let me know that I can come hold my new nephew, all the trials of these past months become background thoughts for a while.  In the moment I hold that little boy, I'll be looking dead square in the face of possibility.  As the quote goes, "every baby is proof that God has not given up on man."  That includes me.

Week 2 Wrap Up

Another UBC week comes to an end.  I have to admit that this week was a lot easier than last week!  I didn't appreciate moving after workouts until waddling for 3 days after my first butt burner!  Luckily, my muscles assimilated to the increased work load.  While I am still sore, I can still move and don't feel like I'm going to collapse when I walk.  We also had our recipe night for UBC Friday night, and that was so much fun!  We had a small turnout, but got to taste some really great food and had tons of fun with the relay (well, I did anyway)!  It was really nice to get to know some of my teammates better.

I'm feeling like I'm finally "getting it" in my workouts.  First starting, I had so much to remember, the form, filling out the book, eating, fatiguing muscles.  The second half of this week, it all started to click.  I still have some form things I'm working on for kickboxing, but I feel like the xertube resistance is going really well.  I can focus on working the muscles, rather than wondering if I'm doing things right.  Eating has been getting easier also.  I kept it really simple this week, the same five or six meals/snacks in various combinations.  I ate about 2 pounds of celery by myself in two weeks.  I must admit that I'm ready for a little more variety in the coming weeks!

The highlight of my week occurred yesterday in kickboxing.  The class was definitely stepped up from last weeks' classes, higher intensity, more intricate combos, so I pushed myself in this class.  We ended with jumping roundhouse kicks (I think.  I'm not totally down with what I'm doing yet!).  I was sharing a bag with a gal who was taller than me (shocking, I know!), so I suggested we put the bag up some for her.  She gratefully agreed, except she put it up a bit higher than I expected.  And, it turned out to be really great for me, because I had to jump higher to make sure I didn't kick the base of the bag.  I got an even better workout, and really pumped up my workout to a level I wasn't expecting.  I was pretty darn proud of myself!

This week, my biggest goal is making it to the Tuesday 6 am resistance bands class.  I can't make it in the evening, and I could work out with my bands at home, but I'd rather do it there.  It's a mental thing for me!  So far, the plan is to sleep in my workout clothes, roll out of bed at 5:30, eat a protein bar, and head to class.  I do not plan on making it a habit, but maybe I'll like it!  Physically, my goals are to continue working as hard as I possibly can.  I have definitely had mornings where I just didn't feel like going, but once I'm there, it's game on.  I immediately get into the mind set, and just go for it.  I'm really starting to understand how much of "I can't" is purely mental.  It's been making me wonder what I've missed out on because I limited myself.  The best part about realizing that is the fact that I can change that.  Now.  It's definitely been giving me new perspectives in my day-to-day life.  The benefits of this challenge have already extended so far beyond the physical.  I'm starting to wonder not only what I will look like, but also who I will be after these 10 weeks.  It's quite a journey, and I'm so glad I signed myself up for this!

In the Routine

Well, here I am, half way through week 2 already.  It's been a wild and woolly week for me already.  Monday was the first day I did an "on your own" workout, since I couldn't make it in for kickboxing at the gym.  I did an hour long kickboxing video in my living room.  It was the hard one I've tried before, but never really got all the way through.  That all changed yesterday.  I actually got through the video without feeling like I was going to collapse.  Don't get me wrong.  I was tired, and I worked hard.  I encountered a very interesting thought when I was reflecting on it over lunch.  Did I finish the workout because I am more physically fit, or did I finish it because I did not allow myself to quit when I was tired?  The answer is a bit of both, but more towards the not quitting side.

I also take encouragement in the fact that as sore as I was last week, it seems to have abated some.  I am still sore, and some times stiff, but I can still move.  Although, today was butt blaster, so maybe tomorrow I'll be singing a different tune!  It's fascinating how different muscles are sore this week!  Last week, it was my abdominals, my butt, and my pecs.  This week, it's my hamstrings and my shoulders.  Being the odd duck I am, I kinda like feeling sore.  It makes me feel less lazy.

Food this week has been less of a challenge.  I've gotten into a really great groove with snacks and meals.  I think I'm getting used to eating 6 times a day.  I notice that I'll start to feel hungry, check the clock, and it'll be time to eat again.  I also solved my constant hunger problem!  I upped my protein intake, and that helped very much.

So far, I have nothing more profound to elaborate upon for the week.  No epiphanies, no "why didn't I think of that" moments.  Just a resolve to continue doing the best I absolutely can.  That's all anyone can ask in any situation.

Week 1 Complete!

As of today, I have completed one week of my body challenge.  I am sore, tired, exhilarated, and pleased with myself.  It's been far more fun than I had ever imagined exercising could be.  Plus, it's been great getting to know my fellow teammates, joining in the camaraderie of aching muscles.

Interestingly, I didn't find it difficult to go to workouts.  Even the cold, snowy, Saturday morning work out didn't phase me (ok, well, not too much anyway).  It feels good to know I'm doing something really great for myself. I was so pleasantly rewarded this morning when we did our push ups in class, and the first 6 were really easy!  One week ago, I would have struggled through 5, and said "No more".  It really blew me away that I could do 16+ push ups in only a week, and truly, what better motivation?  If I've already seen this improvement in a week, what am I going to be able to do at 5 weeks?  What about when I'm done at 10 weeks?

I did find I struggled with something else this week.  I was hungry. All. The. Time.  I am eating 6 times a day, so how in the world could I be so hungry all the time?  I talked it over with my coaches today after my workout, and got some pointers.  They recommended paying closer attention to my protein intake, because that will help me feel full longer.  So, that has become my main goal this week; pay attention to protein in meals and make sure I'm getting enough.

One thing that really stood out to me this week is the quote in my book that stated "if you fail to plan, you plan to fail."  I glossed over it the first couple times I read that, but later in the week, it really hit me that this was so true.  My mom invited me out to dinner, and I was faced with figuring out where would be the best place for me to make the best food decisions.  We settled on Outback Steakhouse.  I promptly went to the online menu and chose what to have for dinner-ahi tuna and a sweet potato without butter.  Only water to drink.  It didn't even occur to me until later when I read that quote again that I made a plan that was in line with my goals, and succeeded in sticking to it.  I realized very clearly the truth in those words.

So, tomorrow, is my off day.  I'm looking forward to sleeping in, having my "cheat" meal, and enjoying dinner with family.  I am having a BLT for my cheat meal, with lots of mayo and bacon!  I am excited to see what week 2 brings my way as well.  I had a bit of a shake up for my Monday morning, so I'm going to kickboxing in the evening rather than the morning.  We'll see how that goes.  It's been a fabulous journey so far, and I'm ready to continue down this path!

Still Kickin', but Maybe Only Until Tomorrow!

As of today, I have two kickboxing classes and one resistance band class under my belt.  I have this to say; We are not in Kansas any more Toto!

My coaches have all been saying take it easy the first week or two to get the form down.  I have discovered that I either a) think I'm far more capable than I am or b) have no idea what the term "take it easy" means.  After Monday's class, I found I was pretty sore almost immediately afterwards, which culminated in a very bad headache by bed time.  I also fell asleep at 6, woke up at 8 to kiss my kids good night, and promptly went back to bed at about 10.

Yesterday, I decided I would go to the 7:30 pm resistance class, because I didn't think my body would function at 5 to make it to the 6 am class.  I was right!  I was lucky I woke up to get the kids on the school bus!  After my breakfast, I popped a couple Excedrin back and body, since I still had the headache.  That helped immensely to get me through the day!  I am going to buy stock in Excedrin! At class, I was able to do most of the exercises with ease with the lowest resistance band, so next time, I'm excited to try more resistance.  I felt good knowing I'm not a complete pansy!

That brings us to this morning's class-the infamous Butt Blaster.  I heard about it both Monday and Tuesday, so I was a little nervous going into it.  It lived up to it's reputation!   While performing the exercises wasn't too technically difficult, my booty and legs had enough about halfway through the class.  I was tired, sweaty, and shaky when I left the gym today.  I just about died climbing the 3 stairs from the landing to the kitchen!  As I ate my post workout protein bar, I wondered "exactly how am I going to get in the shower?"  It turns out, the shower wasn't the hard part.  Taking my jeans off, standing on one leg and then the other darn near put me over the edge!

It's been wild!  The most impressive thing to me, above and beyond the soreness, is the intense desire I have to do everything.  When I started the challenge, I was a little bit casual in my attitude.  I'm not hugely overweight, so I don't have a lot to work with, in terms of pounds lost.  I decided "I'm not going to win anything, so I'm just going to do this for me."  After the first three days, man, I want to win this thing!  I want to finish this 10 weeks and be the top contender!  It bothers me that I'm not going as hard in classes right now.  It bothers me that I can't do everything, even taking it down a notch.  I can't think of a time where my body has rebelled against me, and I didn't say to it "ok, we'll stop then."  Not today.  I was sick to my stomach, hot, and my muscles were trying not to cooperate.  I could feel my wrists and arms wanting to buckle, and some times they did.  But I pushed myself back up, every time, thinking "no, we aren't done yet.  You will finish this."  I expected to obtain that kind of resolve at some point during the 10 weeks, pushing myself beyond what I thought I could do.  I never imagined it would happen 3 days in!  It renewed my excitement, and these next 10 weeks are going to be the most intense of my life, because I'm more intense than I ever have been.

I was joking in my Sunday post about this being the start of the rest of my life, but now, I don't think that's a wrong statement.  This is definitely the start of something that's going to carry over into the rest of my life, and I am finally ready for it.

Holy Bananas, Batman! Hang On to Your Hat!

Today was D-Day.  The first day of the rest of my life.  Well, the first day of a very challenging 10 weeks anyway.  Today was orientation for the Ultimate Bodyshaping Challenge.  I was nervous all day leading up to the 6 o'clock meeting.  I packed my bag, deciding what I was going to wear for my dreaded "before" picture.  I decided on my grey sports bra and a pair of black shorts.  I was the first one there, or rather, the first one to go inside and get the ball rolling.  Heather, one of the coaches, took 4 pictures-3 before shots, front, side and behind, and one head shot to display on the board in the lobby.  I got my book and my hand wraps, and then went for my measurements and weight.  I wasn't too upset about the measurements, since I have loosely kept track of them myself.  The weigh in, however, was a bit harder to stomach.  127 lbs will be my starting weight, with a body fat percentage of 28.9%.  Yep, a far cry from the 123 lbs and 24.7% my home scale stated.  So, a mildly discouraging start, but I quickly reminded myself, "that's why I am here".

The rest of the evening was mostly spent talking about what the program entails, which I admit, I didn't do enough homework on to find out what I was really getting myself into.  That's probably a good thing, because if I had known before jumping in with both feet, I seriously doubt I would have had the guts to sign up!  I will be working out 6 days a week-kickboxing Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, and resistance bands Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday.  Say it with me now, "Holy Bananas!"  I knew it would be challenging, I mean, it is the Ultimate Bodyshaping Challenge, but 6 days a week?  Are you serious?

I was nervous going in tonight; now, I'm downright scared!  I walked out to my car after meeting with my team (which is now named "Crush and Destroy".  Couldn't we have been "Happy Rainbows?")  I was reeling.  My mind going a mile a minute "I have to hit up the grocery store tomorrow." "How am I going to make it to 6 a.m. workouts?"  "Can I really do this?"  I have bitten off far more than I can chew this time; I can definitely tell that.  There is also a deeper, inner voice that, though far quieter than the voice booming "what are you thinking?", is prevailing on my nerves.  It's the inner voice that is quietly calling out "Wahoo!!  Bring it!"  I have never done anything like this before; it scares the bejeebers out of me.  But I want to do it.  I want to prove that I can push myself beyond anything I've pushed against before.

There is a section in my handy workbook that explains the exertion we should be feeling in our classes.  In this section, it reads "a great acronym for fear is False Evidence Appearing Real."  How very true these words are!  I am scared because I don't know what my body can do.  I  have an idea of what it can do.  But what is this idea based on?  Only what I have done so far.  I have never done any organized exercise, except for sports drills in my early high school years.  I have a vision in my mind of what I want to see and what I want my "after" picture to look like.  This is what is driving me now, not the fear of whether or not I can do it.  I will do it.  No is not an option at this point.  Right now, I am already requiring more of myself by not giving into this fear.  So, tomorrow morning, I will send my kids on the bus to school, and bring myself to my first kickboxing workout.  I will get up every morning this week and repeat.  I will do more physically than I have done before.  I will listen only to the quiet voice telling me I can do this.

And it will be great!

Almost There!

Today is Wednesday.  Sunday is the start of my 10 week Ultimate Body Challenge.  I have to admit I'm kind of nervous.  I always have some anxiety when entering a new situation, and this is no different.  I've also been thinking of what kind of goals to focus on, which is also intimidating, because I'm not grossly overweight.  In fact, I'm not overweight at all any more, according to the numbers.  I'm not where I want to be though, and that's what I have to remember.  I'm not out to impress anyone but myself.  I'm doing this to take my fitness to the next level and to do it the healthy way.

I find it interesting the expectations that I put upon myself because of what I think I should want or should expect.  I could probably analyze the reasons I do this (I'm a people pleaser, I need approval, what have you), but it's far easier to focus on changing it rather than figuring out why.  What do I want?  What are my expectations for myself?  These are far easier questions to answer than "am I doing the right thing?" or "how is this going to impact others?"  When I made the decision to become a vegetarian, those were two questions I found myself asking about my family.  How am I going to feed them and me?  Should I just make them join me? Is it going to be a lot more work for me to make two separate entrees?  The answer to these questions boiled down to one thing, what I wanted to have happen.  Once I decided, I made it work.  I plan ahead a bit more, and it's only slightly more work to make a meatless entree for myself.  The bottom line is, it was what I wanted, and I feel better for it.

Obviously, there are times you don't want to merely follow your gut feeling on things, like your retirement portfolio!  But, in the matters of what's best for yourself, your instinct is always going to be right.  Like vegetarianism and this Ultimate Body Challenge.  I knew these are things I wanted for my life, and it feels right to pursue them.  The expectation is that I will be healthier and happier.  That's really all I can ask for in my life!

I signed myself up for WHAT?

The vegetarian thing has been going ok.  I'm still experimenting and figuring out what works.  Now that the kids are back in school, I'm looking forward to buckling down again.  I've been pretty lax with the vegetarianism lately, mostly because I'm out of ideas for what else to do.  I've decided that I'm going to try a new recipe every other day from my vegetarian cookbook, to help get the ball rolling on "options".  That's my biggest drawback right now, options for me while I cook something for everyone else.  I do the obvious; beans for burritos, tofu on occasion, mushrooms in spaghetti sauce.  But I'm not very good beyond that.  I hope that going through the cookbook will give me a good start, so I can branch out to be creative.

When I am actually being a "good" vegetarian, and not eating meat 3-5 times a week, I feel so much better, and notice a big difference on my waistline.  I am happy to report that I have lost and maintained a 12 pound weight loss since the beginning of the year.  The below picture is the comparison from June to the beginning of September:

Pretty good, huh?  I'm very pleased.  Regular exercise and vegetarian eating agrees with me!  I even revised my goal weight to 115lbs, since I'm getting close to my original goal of 120lbs.  I also told myself that once I got to my goal of 120, I would start strength training, so I could have definition, as well as a slimmer figure.  I am very happy to say that starting October 4, I am keeping that promise to myself.  I signed myself up for a 10 week "Ultimate Body Challenge".  So exciting!  I will be  kickboxing and doing other strength exercises, plus following a nutrition plan.  Since I love kickboxing, I thought this would give me the results I'm after, plus allow me to do something I really enjoy.  I've wanted to take an actual kickboxing class as well, so this is a win-win-win for me!

I'm not sure what all they are going to have us do, but I'm ready to challenge myself like this, and ready to see some great results.  I'm really excited to jump start my exercise routine, and maybe even become that washboard ab-ed girl in my dreams.

Maybe!

Green Tea Thursday

I think I'm slowly descending into the throes of a cold. I've been sneezy and stuffy, but no cough yet. My throat was a little scratchy this morning too. Thus, it has become a green tea Thursday.

I've been a fan of green tea for a while. It's a very mild tea, with lots of antioxidants, and supposedly the power to get rid of excess water weight. What's not to love? It's also become very soothing to me. I love filling a large teacup with my green tea and just relaxing with a book or bumming on the internet. My latest love is some green tea that my aunt gave me. It's a green tea with toasted rice, and it tastes like Sugar Smacks but without the sickening sweetness. It's homey and comforting. It's got a toasted rice smell, and is very satisfying.

I've been feeling surprisingly good lately, although the last few nights I've stayed up too late, which is probably why I'm feeling kind of run down today. I've been hitting the exercise and activity pretty hard lately. I've upped the intensity of both of my regular work outs, which is great, but I'm tired. I've also been stressed about a couple different things, so I know I'm in need of a rest. Yet another reason I welcome a green tea Thursday.

It's good to recharge, and I'm getting better at listening to my body, and when it needs something. Plus, it looks like rain outside, which throws a wrench into my plans of mowing the lawn. Tomorrow is another day though, and I'm sure I'll feel more refreshed from the break.

What's This I See?

Today was the day of truth. The day of reckoning. The day I stepped on the scale and see what it had to tell me. Yep, today was weigh in day. After completing 4 days of cardio (tough cardio) and watching what I eat, I am proud to report that I have logged a 3 pound loss for this week. 3 pounds! I'm very pleased with this, as I was aiming for 1, maybe 2 pounds tops. Very encouraging indeed!

I am pleased by the weight loss (who wouldn't be?), but I'm also proud of myself for other reasons. It was only my first week, and I'm already seeing a big improvement in my endurance for my cardio exercises. I did mostly kickboxing last week, which is a great workout, and I worked my tail off, so to see improvements already was a great bonus! We also didn't eat out much, and when we did, I got only low fat veggie entrees. Another gold star for me! One of my big motivators is a "virtal model" of me at 120 pounds. I had my husband help me refine the body type and size so it's a pretty close representation of me. It's the weight I was before I had my kids, so I remember what I looked like back then, and I know it's a weight I can achieve. Looking at the picture keeps me thinking, "that's what I'm after!" It's helping me keep my focus and motivation in a way I didn't think possible!

I decided on my rewards to motivate me to take it to the next level. My weekly weigh in reward is a glass of red wine every Sunday I post a loss. This gives me something to look forward to, and is a great relaxer before the next week. My 5 pound loss reward is going to be a new work out top, since I've got a shortage of them. I haven't figured out my 10 and 15 pound rewards yet, nor have I decided on how to celebrate reaching my goal of 20 pounds. I thought I would have some time to think about it, but if I post another 3 pound loss next week, I've already surpassed my 5 pound goal, and I'm well on my way to my 10 pound goal! Time to start planning!

I am encouraged by this week's results, both the weight lost and the workout improvements. It's really starting to come together for me, and I'm very excited about it.

Veterinarian Struggles

A few weeks ago, I was "womaning" the grill, when my hubby brought me my portabello mushroom cap to throw on there. I was grilling chicken for the rest of the fam, and vegetables take less time to cook than meat, so mine was last on. My wonderful 8-year-old saw me place my mushroom on the grill, and asked what it was for, probably hoping she wouldn't have to eat any. I told her it was for me, since I didn't eat meat any more. She nodded in recognition and said, "ah, I see. You're a veterinarian." I smiled and said, "no, I'm not an animal doctor. I'm a vegetarian." But really, either way, I guess I'm saving animal lives, so maybe I am a veterinarian. :)

Even though I'm greatly enjoying my new found eating habits, I do find it to be a struggle sometimes. Last night was a huge win with cheese enchiladas that I made for everyone. The entire family enjoyed them, so I have a great meatless recipe that I know everyone will eat! Not so tonight. I find myself in the afternoon struggle trying to decide what to make for dinner. It's further complicated by the fact that my daughter will be dining at a friend's house tonight, so we're only three. That means meat for two, which is becoming increasingly difficult, since my son is only 5, and won't eat a whole chicken breast for dinner. This isn't a new situation, as my daughter heads over to her bio-dad's house every weekend, so we have many 3-person meals. It's just not something I normally deal with on weekdays.

The other struggle I'm having is eating out. This weekend, we went out to the local buffet joint for my grandfather's birthday dinner . I had a salad, corn bread, and spaghetti with marinara. That's right; I had 3 things from the all you can eat buffet. Kind of sad how few veggie choices were available. I'm also a bit intimidated by a graduation party we are going to for one of our babysitters. This is probably the bigger challenge; not knowing what will be served! I'm sure there will be the usual fruit salad and veggie tray, but I'm not sure beyond that. It'll be an adventure for sure. Hopefully, I don't go home hungry!

DQ Don't!

So here I am on day 3 of a 3 month challenge to get fit and lose weight through self.com. Now, supposedly, I can win a trip to Antigua, but since my chances are slim, we'll ignore that part of the challenge. I signed up because I needed to do SOMETHING. This has a food and workout log, plus all sorts of charts and stuff to map my progress. Everything I wanted without making me obsessive, which I found is a very real pitfall for me.

This is actually the second time I've looked into losing weight by counting calories and exercise (read: no fad diets!). The first time was when I joined Sparkpeople.com. I did really well the first month, ok the second month, ok the third, and then I got sick, and I never recovered! Even worse though, I became obsessed with calories; wondering how many were in every thing I encountered, whether I was eating it or not. Food became the enemy, and once that happened, I knew I was not on a good path and bailed! Now, I highly recommend SparkPeople. I think they are a great organization, and have helped many people. It just wasn't right for me.

So what makes this time different? Well, for starters, I am looking at a calorie range, rather than a strict 1200 regimen. I actually want to eat between 1200-1600 calories a day. This allows for some splurges and treats, and also some good stick to your ribs food. Once I have that range in my head, it's far easier for me to plan around it, rather than try to fit it in. I don't feel like I'm cheating if I eat 1350 calories instead of 1200, and it's just a general FYI to keep me on track.

Anyway, the long explanation culminates in this: Don't eat Dairy Queen! I'm a big fan of the nutritional menus at many restaurants, to find where my favorites fit in. I know the least calorie choice for many restuarants, and I know which ones to favor over others (McD's burgers for instance have far less fat and calories than a comparable Burger King burger!). I've never thought to take a look at Dairy Queen though because A) I don't eat a meal there and B) if I'm having ice cream, I don't really care about the calories! Unfortunately, I looked tonight. I don't think I will ever eat at DQ without feeling like an oinker! I saw foods on their menu that weighed in at 105% of total daily fat allowances and 130% of saturated fat! HOLY MOLY! Now, the item I was jonesing after was a brownie batter blizzard. Layers of brownie chunks, gooey chocolate batter, and of course, soft serve ice cream. 610 calories for a small! I didn't eat that many calories at my dinner!!! In fact, my total for lunch and breakfast calories were about that. That was all the information I needed. No DQ for me tonight.

Luckily, my chief motivator and support man (AKA my hubby) had purchased some chocolate whips yogurt for my dining pleasure. 160 calories for the same satisfaction of a blizzard, and I won't have to do three extra work outs to pay for it. It pays to do the research!

You lose some and...when do you win some?

I've been down in the dumps lately. My motivation and stick-to-itiveness is quite lacking. Or, maybe I've never really known motivation or stick-to-itiveness. I was always one of the "smart ones" in school, never having to struggle for grades or anything. If I didn't measure up, I quit and focused on whatever I was better at. I really don't know how to work towards a goal, or how to keep myself motivated! It's definitely not for lack of trying, but I'm much better at finding something else to focus on to minimize my weaknesses.

Interestingly, I'm not finding it hard to be a vegetarian. Big change in my lifestyle, easy transition, easy to stick to it. Why? Why can I incorporate this, but not exercise, and not give up pop and brownies? Because by giving up meat, I wasn't giving up something I enjoyed. Most people drool over steak; I can take it or leave it (more leave it these days!). I enjoy brownies and soda. I enjoy sitting on the computer and playing games. I do not like exercising.

But I don't like gaining weight either. And there's the rub! Which don't I like more, gaining the weight or exercise? I don't have an answer to that right now.

Saturday afternoon

I have a very dear friend (and former coworker) who has lost a good deal of weight with Weight Watchers. She began to lose weight before I got "serious" about it, but over the course of a few months, we became each other's cheerleaders. She is a lovely lady, and I am very blessed to have her in my life. She has a way of making so much sense to me, and at times I really need it. For instance, when I was stress eating due to my parents' marital problems back in February, my friend provided the saying "if hunger is not the problem, food is not the answer." Such simple and wise words. I'm happy to say that while I haven't lost a significant amount of weight, I haven't gained any more either, and that quote saved me from that. I have accustomed myself to telling myself that every day.

The lasted words of wisdom came just this past week, as I was telling her of my juice fast. She knows I have become a vegetarian, and was patting me on the back for making such a healthy lifestyle choice. Then she said something that really struck me when speaking about people in the "Blue Zone" who tend to live the longest: "Another thing is getting "natural" exercise every day such as all the work you do around the house and yard. Staying active in this manner is actually more effective than the more structured exercise." Again, so simple and so wise.

I gave up on my juice fast after reading these words, because here was the rebuttle to my denial staring me down in blue letters in my email inbox. I could continue to deny the fact that since leaving my job I have become little more than an internet junkie, logging on moments after waking and logging off only for dinner and bed. I could continue to shun exercise, doing things like a 21 day juice fast to lose the weight quickly, but not really healthy or on my own terms that would make a lasting change for me. That was the nagging problem I was having in my previous post. It wasn't that I was on the precipice of something stirring me to greatness. It was my conscience trying to scream out that what I was doing was ingenuine and an attempt to diminish the real problem-my lazy behind. I was a sham, and I knew it.

I knew going into the juice fast that I would see weight loss, but it wouldn't be pleasant, according to what I read. I also worried about after the juice fast, and what would become of my weight loss. That concerned me very much. Would I maintain a new, lower weight? Would my body rebel once I started eating again and I'd pack on the pounds? Was a juice fast really going to put me on a different eating path that would last? Now, supposedly, according to one site I read on juice fasting, once you start eating foods again, you can actually burn MORE calories and see MORE weight loss because juice is calorie laden. Everything else I know about weight loss made it seem more likely that I would just gain the weight back, if for no other reason that juice fasting is a temporary solution, and I need a permanent one.

Post juice fast (which lasted exactly 3 glasses of juice!), I signed myself up for a 30 day email fitness challenge through About.com. I'm on day 3. I completed all the challenges for day one and day two, and you know what? I felt good about it. I felt proud about it. I have to walk funny today because my butt is so sore from two days of getting out there and doing more. I took my dog for two walks, in addition to mowing our lawn (we live on almost an acre of land). I could write more, but I can't. My son is insisting that I go outside with him to play.

Seriously People!

I read two articles that really made me think today. They are completely unrelated, yet both made me angry and sad.

The first was a Washington Post article about the price of being poor. Paying more for groceries, paying for laundry, paying for check cashing. I always have mixed feelings about this, because I've been on the receiving end of customer service dealing with low income customers. I have talked to people who couldn't pay their utility bill because they just payed their cable, and had no more money. I have watched low income friends buy name brand cereal off the shelf with a $5 price tag, overlooking the $2 cereal directly to the left of it. Reading through the comments on the article, there were many questioning some of the assertions (like I did above), and others condemning them for having no sympathy. I will admit that I am biased and have little sympathy for the people who play the system to make sure they get the most out of their welfare. I have the most sympathy for the people busting ass making low wages who need a leg up, especially those who cannot get assistance because of it.

When I'm president (Gilbert in '16!), a sentiment that I say when I want to make broad sweeping changes, there will be education reform. There will be a redistribution of money to schools. I can't fathom how in one school district (like in my home town), you can have two high schools, one in a wealthy neighborhood, one in a low income neighborhood, and they do not have the same resources! Is it really a question that we should take some of the tax money from rich school and make the poor school equal? Is it really a question, if we are NOT going to do this, of who should receive federal money? Is it really a question that the schools that need the extra tax dollars are not the high performers buy the low ones? HELLO PEOPLE!!!!! I am fully supportive of adults reaping what they sow and taking responsibility for themselves, but I am exponentially more supportive of giving our children the absolute best education possible to enable them to be responsible adults!

The second article was about a mother who suffocated her child, resuscitated him, then changed her mind and suffocated him AGAIN! Twice this little boy knew the agony of suffocasion at the hands of his own mother! Then, she buries him at the playground. What are we doing, people, that we as a society are producing young women capable of this kind of violence? What are we thinking putting priorities on damn car dealerships, when mothers are killing their own children? There is something wrong here that we need to fix!

Real Reality

Today is my first day home from a mini vacation. I spent it separating the massive amount of clothing I got from my aunt for my daughter, sipping toasted rice green tea from Japan, and reading a book by an Indian author. Low key and relaxing.

But my soul hurts today, like a raw nerve being uncomfortably rubbed under my skin. There is something stirring within me, a dissatisfaction that I can't fathom right now. I can't see it. I only know it is listless and preventing me from moving forward. While "it" writhes and seethes, I am rendered immobile and stationary. It's been a hard year. It's been a long trial. I am ready to rest.

I am starting my juice fast tomorrow, which excites me, but also leaves me apprehensive. I hope to recover both physically and mentally over the next three weeks. I hang in the balance right now; losing sight of my once confident shell, my grip slipping on who I am. So much has entered my mind that has forced me to stare myself down, questioning things I have never doubted. I want a new perspective, and this fast will definitely do that. I am ready for the challenges, more ready for the journey. I want to learn and grow from this, something that has gone stale as of late. Upon watching a YouTube clip of Ellen Degeneres giving a commencement speech, she told me a truth I had not wanted to admit: ...usually if you are wearing a robe at 10 a.m., it means you have given up. Sadly, I was still in my robe at 10 this morning, debating a shower. I am ready to be shaken up, broken, then repaired. I'm ready to be at peace, and rest. I want to cast off the shroud I have covered myself with through all the hurt and disappointment of my life of 27 years. I want to be light and energized and clear.

I want to be clear.

When the World Gets You Down...

Get a top of the world!

As the excitement wanes from the newness of my vegetarianism, I'm finding the pull to just eat meat and quit worrying about it very strong. It doesn't help that I'm still not totally sure of myself and how to handle things like eating at someone else's house. I actually did have meat this weekend, in a bowl of homemade chili. I felt very conflicted as I ate, part of me feeling obliged and telling myself it was ok to eat it once, but mostly, it felt like I had sold myself out and took the easy path. I have a long family trip coming up, one that will involve over a week away from home, somewhat at the mercy of another's cooking. I'm nervous because it's my first time with family as a vegetarian, and also because I don't know what I'm going to eat.

I have also felt the draw of a juice fast again. It had waned as I eased into eating a vegetarian diet, but I feel its pull quite strongly. I've been reading quite a bit on the benefits and the renewal that happens while on a juice fast, and it intrigues me. The fast will be my foray into the real depths of vegetarianism and what I hope to achieve in my life by omitting meat from my diet. I want to be healthy well into my old age, and even though I've cut out meat, I've not cut out brownies, soda, and other marvelous things such as Cheetos. I truly want to be rid of these foods and the temptation of them. Now, more than ever, I am feeling the grossness of eating these kinds of foods, the heaviness in my stomach, the lethargy. I know I'm doing my body no good by slamming these things down, but my mind and my tongue get the better of me. I'm ready to make a clean break from my unhealthy vices, and continue on a new path. I have a lot of moments ahead of me that will test my resolve, so I want to be ready for them.

The pending juice fast date is May 20, and my goal is a 3 week fast. I will be on an impromptu vacation this weekend, which is why the fast is postponed. It's hard to juice fresh veggies on a 14 hour car ride! I'm also using this time to mentally prepare myself for this undertaking. I'm certainly excited, but also cautious, as I don't know what to expect. This will definitely be a time of growth!

It's Been One Week Since You Looked at Me(at)!

Did you catch that? Love Bare Naked Ladies!

Yes, it really has been one week since I ate meat. I have looked at it, because even though my hubby is supportive, he's still a meat and potatoes guy. We already really good at coexisting (differing politics, and now differing diets), so it seems to be working out. I still cook for the family, but while their meat is cooking, I get to work on mine. It's a great system. And today; my parents invited me over for a BBQ with my youngest (hubby was out of town and my daughter was with her "other" dad as we call him). This, I figured would be chicken, so I made my very first tofu burger from scratch and brought it along. My dad was gracious enough to only kid me a little bit with a crack about how his grill had never touched tofu. Good old dad! The burgers turned out very good, and I was even able to share the wealth with my mom and cousin. They both agreed it was very good also.

I've really learned a lot about myself in this week. For instance, I never really knew how much of my dinner was spent thinking about avoiding gross parts of meat. Seriously! It's wonderful. I've also found that it's so much easier to decide when I'm full without meat. I haven't felt like I've overeaten all week. My new diet has also been fantastic for curbing our bad habit of eating out. If, for instance, my hubby wants Burger King, that means I get a salad, because last time I checked, they weren't serving flame broiled veggie burgers! I suppose I could get a whopper or something and peel off the meat, but I find that wasteful, and unappealing! So, I'm stuck with a salad. I like salads, but if I've already had one, I'd like to spice it up a bit. This is much easier achieved by cooking at home. It's been an empowering change!

On a different, but related note, the local farmer's market opened today! Unfortunately, my hubby had our vehicle, so I didn't get to go. This was a bit disappointing, but there's still plenty of time to explore and find new things to experiment with on my new diet. For now, my new challenge (having satisfactorily conquered and became comfortable with tofu) is beans. My hubby doesn't like beans, so I'm on my own for this. It's ok though. I've been experimenting with my lunches, which are a good outlet for me to find what I like and don't like.

So far, my vegetarian journey has been positive. I know there will be challenges, but doing my prep work and learning now will equip me with better options for when those challenges arise. I'll be ready!

"Official" Day 1

It's my "official" first day as a vegetarian. I'm actually on day 3 of no meat meals. Tonight, I became a REAL vegetarian; I had tofu for dinner. BBQ'ed tofu with onions, rice and corn on the side. Surprisingly, it was good! It was smooth and rich tasting. After about three bites, I realized something that will change my life forever. Tofu has no fat.

Now, when I say no fat, I don't mean the daily allowance crap that no one can achieve even when they're trying. I mean the springy, chewy, glistening parts that are on every piece of meat, whether chicken or beef, pork or lamb. Ever since I was a child, I painstakingly examined every piece of meat for the stuff. My parents, God bless them, took my seriously and thoroughly cut off every visible sign of fat until I was old enough to wield my own knife. I know someone is staring agog at the screen wondering what the big deal is. For me, it's the difference between finishing a meal or not. Many, many meals have been ruined by my teeth bouncing back from whatever meat I'm trying to chew, and no matter how many times I tell myself it was just one piece, the damage is done. Dinner is over.

How intensely freeing to eat without fear! How wonderful to enjoy dinner without inspecting every forkful! This is an unexpected and welcome benefit of forsaking meat, and welcome it I do!

What am I thinking?

Lately, I've been at a standstill. My weight loss program has lost it's oomph, and I'm back to eating whatever sounds good whenever the mood strikes. I haven't had a hit on my business in months, and I'm getting restless. My house is a mess, and I have no intention on cleaning it! It's times like this I find myself searching for something more in my life, but I'm afraid to put myself out there and take the risk. (*Insert pithy saying about motivation/risk taking/seizing the day here*)

The fact of the matter is, I like easy. That Staples Easy Button? I'd almost sell my soul to really have one! Almost. What's the matter with liking easy? Nothing. Nothing at all is wrong with liking easy. Easy brings close parking spaces, no lines at the bank, online billpay, and machine washable silk. What else does easy bring? Laziness, apathy, and lack of motivation. At least it does for me. It's easy to sit online all day, checking my Facebook every 5 minutes for updates. It's easy to find excuses not to further my photography business, from a lack of customers to a lack of confidence. It's easy for me to go to bed at night and wonder, "how did I waste another day?" Then, I get up and do it all over again.

So what's a girl to do? Go off the deep end of course and become a vegetarian! That's right, my solution to my lack in my current state is to cut meat from my diet, because that's new and exciting for me! Also with my new diet, the desire to try a juice fast, to rid my body of all things putrid and vile, and to slim down. I'm hoping this lifestyle jump will invigorate me and give me some guidance for the other areas in my life. These new endeavors will test my will, dedication, and planning abilities. The rest of my family will continue to eat meat, which means I must find alternatives to their meals. And I'm still not totally sure about eating at other people's houses either. I certainly don't want to be one of those snobby "I can't eat that. I'm a vegetarian." It's a new challenge that I hope will reward me with better health and a slimmer figure.

Now, I just have to break that to my inner 10-year-old that we don't eat cookies anymore.

Nighttime Musings of an Unidle Brain

It's 1:12 a.m. on a Friday morning. My brain is simmering with thoughts, regrets, hopes, fears. It's a thought stone soup where every part of my brain, both conscious and unconscious is contributing to the stewing. But it's nothing new. I've always been a night thinker, solving the world's problems (and often finding new ones I didn't know existed) while I should be sleeping. As a child, I would wander back into the living room hours after bedtime to ask my parents a deep and profound question, such as what would happen if all the butterflies in the world died.

What would happen indeed! I never got an answer to these questions, only a dry "Kara, go back to bed, and go to sleep." But it worried me, and worry is hard to supress at any age. I haven't been 10 years old for quite a few years now, but it never fails that some unanswerable question lodges itself in my head at 11:30 at night, just as my husband drifts to sleep, and I have no one to ask it to! Will I EVER get my nighttime musings resolved, or am I condemned to send my questions out to the owls and the skunks and all other things nocturnal?

Tonight, I am conflicted on two issues. They have pretty much consumed my life for the last 6 months, and have plagued both my waking and sleeping hours. One, is the looming demise of my parents' 27 year marriage. Yep, 27 years. You know all that stuff they say about kids of divorce, and how they blame themselves, and have failed marriages themselves. Yeah, none of that applies here! There is shockingly little on how to cope with your parents' divorce as an adult, unless you are a grown child from a failed marriage, and then there's thousands of resources for you! My logical "adult" brain, understands that everyone had low times in their life, and my parents need to sort this out. The "child" brain, that little part in the back of your head that sings nanner-nanner-nanner when the jerk that cut you off gets pulled over, that part of me screams at them to just fix it and make it better.

Hence, my inner 10-year-old needs a cookie, because cookies always seemed to make things better. Scraped knee? Have a band-aid and a cookie. Teased at school? Tell mom about it and have a cookie. Find out you have to wear a retainer 24-7 and get glasses? There's not enough cookies in the world for that one pal!

Funny, these cookies lead to my second problem, my weight. I'm finding as this year goes on that cookies not only do not make my parents' marital problems any less, they are adding to my midsection at an alarming rate. A good friend has given me a mantra to help with this; "if hunger's not the problem, food isn't the answer." It's so very true, and lately hunger has definitely not been the problem!

So, what's a girl to do? I accept that I can't do anything about my parents, and I'm doing my best to be healthier and lose the extra pounds, but that just doesn't stop my brain from whipping these issues into mind numbing obsessions. I want so badly for both to just happen, without so much effort, without so much, anguish, and without so many daunting obstacles.

*Sigh*

My inner 10-year-old needs a cookie.