Real Reality

Today is my first day home from a mini vacation. I spent it separating the massive amount of clothing I got from my aunt for my daughter, sipping toasted rice green tea from Japan, and reading a book by an Indian author. Low key and relaxing.

But my soul hurts today, like a raw nerve being uncomfortably rubbed under my skin. There is something stirring within me, a dissatisfaction that I can't fathom right now. I can't see it. I only know it is listless and preventing me from moving forward. While "it" writhes and seethes, I am rendered immobile and stationary. It's been a hard year. It's been a long trial. I am ready to rest.

I am starting my juice fast tomorrow, which excites me, but also leaves me apprehensive. I hope to recover both physically and mentally over the next three weeks. I hang in the balance right now; losing sight of my once confident shell, my grip slipping on who I am. So much has entered my mind that has forced me to stare myself down, questioning things I have never doubted. I want a new perspective, and this fast will definitely do that. I am ready for the challenges, more ready for the journey. I want to learn and grow from this, something that has gone stale as of late. Upon watching a YouTube clip of Ellen Degeneres giving a commencement speech, she told me a truth I had not wanted to admit: ...usually if you are wearing a robe at 10 a.m., it means you have given up. Sadly, I was still in my robe at 10 this morning, debating a shower. I am ready to be shaken up, broken, then repaired. I'm ready to be at peace, and rest. I want to cast off the shroud I have covered myself with through all the hurt and disappointment of my life of 27 years. I want to be light and energized and clear.

I want to be clear.